April - World Of Confusion

Dear Readers,

As April approaches I'm not as better as I'd like to be. I'm still in a world of confusion about my future, my present, and even my past.

I feel extremely ugly and unwanted, and sometimes I can channel that into capped pics and other times I'm fighting suicidal thoughts.

I have several posts about retirement saved as drafts. I wrote one earlier yesterday now because I thought I was going to take a path in life without internet access or WiFi. 

That didn't pan out and so depression took root and got me feeling how I described above.

I haven't felt like capping since I did that last one. I do suffer from anhedonia and it's been flaring up with different things all month. I'm averaging eating only once or twice a day. I have food but no desire to eat it. Even watching TV shows I follow has started to wane again. 

I get these periods of not knowing what I want to do or have things that need done yet have no desire to do them. 

I'm broken. 

There's times when I can fake it till I make it. There's times when it takes all I have to leave the house. 

I'm not even on my 19th nervous breakdown yet!

I have a lot to get figured out. If I can I might sprinkle a new capped pic here or there. Maybe. I don't know.

This is different from last year. Last year I had other things going on that occupied my mind better. Gave me something positive to focus on. I hadn't experienced the anhedonia yet or other side effects.

This year my anxiety surged past 11 up to 111. 

This year things were different for both good and bad reasons.

I don't know how long it's going to take to get well again.

Sincerely,
Gensabi